So Not Villainous
by Emsy-Adie
Summary: You know those people who just plain fail at villainy? Well, the Doctor and a bunch of OCs had the misfortune of encountering one. Slightly crack. One shot. 10th Doc


I wrote this some years ago, when I was bored. Which is why it kinda sucks. But it was for fun, with a bunch of friends, and is a crack!fic, so...

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who. The plot, the OCs and the villains are mine. Everything else belongs to BBC.

* * *

'What?' burst out the Doctor quite suddenly.

Three heads turned his way.

'What?' they chorused.

'We have a message.'

'A message?' exclaimed Tara.

'From who?' asked Edwina.

They rushed over to the monitor excitedly.

The Doctor raised his eyebrow. 'You look like you're expecting it to be from the love of your life or something.'

'Well, you never know,' grinned Edwina.

The Doctor shook his head and pressed a button. A video popped up.

It focused on a masked figure on a screen. The video quality was terrible, so that they could only make out a vaguely humanoid shape leering at the camera.

"I have a message for you."

It was high and squeaky, and the inexplicable contrast between the slightly menacing figure and its voice caused Edwina to burst into laughter, quickly shushed by the other girls.

Tara couldn't help smirking a, "Your lover, huh?" at Edwina, earning her a bruised rib.

"I have captured some beings who you might find of interest," it continued. "Or, to be more exact, I have found the ones you might be interested in _loving_." It's voice cut off into a disturbingly high-pitched, self-satisfied purr.

A clawed hand reached up and adjusted the camera. Their view shook a bit, and there were a few moments of static, but eventually it was aimed at a dark corner in what appeared to be a cave. A closer inspection revealed two teenage boys, a familiar dark skinned lady and a sorry looking dog tied up and gagged in a corner.

'That person is _not_ my lover!' shrieked Tara, Lily and the Doctor at the same time.

There few a few 'mmmmph's' of agreement from the other side of the camera.

'Oh yes?' squeaked the masked villain. He dragged the younger of the two boys (who looked like he was about to wet his pants) to his feet, and, directing his gaze to Tara, said, 'Is this not your love, Andrew?'

'No!' growled Tara, glaring back.

'That's Jed, _my_ boyfriend,' Edwina butted in. 'Well...to be boy friend...we haven't gotten together...yet,' she amended.

The anonymous villain paused for a moment, then, looking a bit nervous and uncertain, dropped Jed and dragged the older boy to his feet. 'But I thought this was Jed.'

'EWWWWWW!'

Tara, Lily and the Doctor winced as the sound caused permanent damage to their eardrums.

'I _do not_ have a relationship with my _brother_!'

'Oh, and, uh, you got the wrong Andrew,' interrupted Tara smugly (once her ears had recovered). 'It's Andrew _Cross_ I like, not her brother...'

'Oh,' said the villain, looking very nervous now. 'Um...Jessie?' he said, pointing to the dog.

'I. Do. Not. Have. A. Crush. On. My. Dog.' Lily spat, with her usual passive aggressiveness when she was mad.

'You got the wrong Jesse,' said Edwina smugly, having calmed down.

'Hey, we were looking for Jessie! Thanks for finding her!' said Tara.

'Oh, and, uh, to save you the trouble, I do not love Martha,' added the Doctor. 'I mean, check her finger, she's engaged.'

'Not to you...?'

'No!'

'Mmmmph!' (from Martha)

'Uh, well...' Then he realised something. 'Well, you still have to do as I say, or I'll still kill them,' he said, sounding like a spoilt brat.

The video message stopped.

There was a moment of silence in the control room (a rarity with Edwina around) as they took a moment to marvel at the pure stupidity of some people.

'Uh, we should go rescue them,' Lily pointed out.

'Yeah...' said the Doctor.

'Can we pleeeeeease leave Andrew behind?' begged Edwina as the Doctor started up the Tardis.

'Sure,' Tara grinned.

'NO! I was only joking!' she said, startled. Having realized her outburst, she quickly covered it up. 'I mean...well...um... er...we should probably get him back. I mean...uh... like...my parents might miss him or something...'

Tara grinned again. 'Not that you would.'

'No! Of course not!'

The three girls looked at each other and burst out laughing. Their laughter was soon interrupted when the Tardis gave an enormous lurch, throwing them off their feet.

There was an 'Oof!' as the Doctor landed on top of Edwina.

'Oh, I'm sorry-' began the Doctor.

'Geh Ohf e!' came the muffled protest. The Doctor looked to Lily for translation.

'Get off me,' she smiled.

'Oh! Right!' He quickly scrambled up. 'Are you ok?'

'I was before you sat on me!' she glared.

'Um...' said Tara nervously from somewhere behind him.

'Tara, not now! No, really, are you ok?'

'Doctor...' said Tara again.

'Tara!' the Doctor sighed in an exasperated voice.

'Doctor!' mimicked Tara in the exact same tone.

'What?' he growled, giving up and turning around, to find the Tardis door open and the four of them held at gunpoint by five men in orange suits.

'Oh... that...' he said.

'Yeah...that,' said Tara smugly.

'..._who opened the Tardis door_?'

'Uh...' Tara's smirk quickly turned to a sheepish smile.

'You knew we were landing in enemy territory, and you just open the door and walk out?'

'Uh...' said Tara again.

Fortunately for Tara, the evil villain chose this moment to appear.

'SBV,' she muttered. 'Saved by the villain.'

'Ah,' said the villain. It's voice was even more annoying in person. 'I see we have guests. Do come in.'

Cautiously, they walked out of the Tardis and into an eerie warehouse-like place. The walls were stone, held up by glowing green frame that also appeared to be the only source of light in the cavern. There were no furnishings; it was completely bare, and vast in its emptiness. It was also considerably cold.

'I don't like this place...'said Lily.

'Me neither...' said Tara.

'Yeah...' said Edwina. Then she called out to the villain, 'Hey, could just skip the dramatics and hurry up and tell us your plan so we can foil you and get the hell outta here?'

The 'villain' then proceeded with a speech that was lost on most of them, but pretty much went like this:

'FOIL MY PLAN? You think you can foil my plan? NO ONE CAN FOIL MY PLANS. NO ONE! Because I don't have a plan! I just want you all to DIE! And I am SO SMART I came up with the PERFECT plan of NOT having a PLAN. NO-ONE has EVER come up with this plan before! The PLAN is to use the LOVE of your LIVES to lure you HERE, to ME, so I can KILL you! SO IT'S A BRILLIANT PLAN THAT'S NOT A PLAN! So you can't foil my plan! BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A PLAN! BUT I DO HAVE A PLAN! MWAHAHAHAHA I am SO SMART. What better way to mark the beginning of my villainy than to kill the greatest heroes of the world? Because NO ONE can defeat me! I am the GREATEST VILLIAN EVER TO GRACE THE UNIVERSE! YOU WILL ALL PERISH!'

'That was the part I was hoping we wouldn't have to sit through,' sighed Edwina. 'Well, stand through.'

In fact, the whole speech had taken so long, it gave the girls a chance to have a good stare at the alien attempting (and failing at) villainy.

It was tall and humanoid, somewhat resembling Voldemort from Harry Potter, except green and scaly. It had lizard-like claws instead of hands and a long, scorpion-like tail. If it weren't for the fact that he was making an idiot out of himself, he would've actually looked quite threatening.

'Uh, let's just go untie them...' suggested Lily, gesturing to the tied up people- and dog- in the corner.

'Yeah, let's,' agreed the Doctor.

They heard a faint buzz from the Doctor's sonic screwdriver as they walked over to the 4 hostages tied in the corner.

'NO! STOP!'

They ignored him.

'I SAID STOP! I COMMAND YOU TO STOP!'

They continued over to the hostages.

'GUARDS! SHOOT!' he screamed.

The guards pulled the trigger. Nothing happened.

The Doctor spun around so that he was facing the villain and walking backwards with his hands in his pockets. 'Tophang Destroyer Gun 139 from the planet Zutara, am I correct?' He didn't wait for an answer. 'Get's its power by absorbing energy from its surroundings, converting it to concentrated heat energy and blasting it out.' He pulled out his sonic screwdriver. 'I shut off its energy receptors. It can't absorb anything, so it can't shoot anything.'

'FINE THEN! MEN! GET THEM BY HAND!'

Edwina gave a small whistle, and their pets came tumbling out the Tardis door.

Vigil, the Shetland pony, latched on to the first guard's arm, and Milo, the dog, sunk his teeth into the guard's leg.

Tobias, the hawk, took care of guard no. 2, clawing at his face and eyes.

Beanie jumped in through, over, in between, and under the third guard's leg, leading him in a small dance of 'Try to maintain my balance and get rid of the dog at the same time'. Naturally, Beanie was too good for him and tripped him over. By some stroke of luck, the guard's head landed on a sharp rock, effectively rendering him unconscious.

Guard no. 4 happened to have a hole in his pants. Yes, right there. Jake (the mouse) scrambled up the pant leg and poked his nose through the hole. The fifth guard gasped, and, picking up a golf club (which happened to be conveniently located next to him) yelled 'DON'T MOVE!' and swung the club at the mouse. Jake quickly jumped out of the way so that the blow landed...well, I'll leave that part to your imagination.

After that, Alina booted (well, hoofed) the fifth guard in much the same region.

Tara just stood there watching the scene and making comments to herself, such as: 'Well, that leaves two people permanently infertile. If they were even capable of reproducing in the first place.'

Meanwhile, the Doctor freed Martha with his sonic screwdriver, Lily was untying Jessie and Edwina was struggling with Jed's knots. All this had proven to be too much for the poor guy, who had fainted.

Then, Tara saw something out of the corner of her eye. It was the lizard/scorpion/Voldemort thing! It sneaked past the commotion and made a lunge for Edwina, but Tara beat him to it. She made a flying leap, knocking him down half way through his leap and sending them both crashing to the ground. Edwina, who heard the crash behind her, was startled and spun around, unintentionally lashing out. The blow landed on the villain's jaw line, knocking him unconscious.

'Woot! Go girl!' hooted Tara.

Edwina looked stunned for a moment, then pouted and said, 'Now, why couldn't I do something like that to the boys in taekwondo class?'

The commotion soon settled down, with the guards either unconscious or in immense pain (or unconscious from immense pain), everyone except Andrew untied, Martha doing a quick examination of Jed and the Doctor contacting the Judoon. Apparently, the villain (named Bob) was wanted in 7 worlds for attempted thievery, cheating, murder, and various other crimes that differed through the worlds. None of the attempts were successful.

'Uh, Edwina?' said Tara, 'You should untie Andrew...'

'No! You untie him.'

'Nah...I'm kinda fearing for my life here...'

'Why?'

'Well, remember the last time I visited your place, and the little... 'incident'... that happened?

'Oh, that...'

'Yeah...that...'

Tara wasn't about to forget that anytime soon. It involved a close inspection of Andrew's room, game of dress ups, a note, a very angry older brother and a guilty conscience for the next few days.

'Well,' persisted Edwina, 'I'm still not untying him. I mean, if it were up to me, I'd just leave him here.'

'Ok then,' came the chorused reply, as Lily, the Doctor, Tara and Martha walked over, grabbed each of Jed's four limbs and began dragging the unconscious figure back to the Tardis.

'Wait! Um...I mean...well...er...' began Edwina, 'I said 'if it were up to me'. But it's not just up to me. Like I said, my parents might want him back or something. I mean, I don't see why they would, I wouldn't-'

'Sure, Edwina...whatever you say.' Lily smiled knowingly.

'Well...well...FINE!'

She stormed over to Andrew (who, at the moment, was uncertain how to react) and tried to untie the knot. Unfortunately, it couldn't really be classified as a knot, more just a jumble of rope looped around each other, or a failed attempt at a knot. However, it did serve its purpose, and, despite Edwina's tries, it would not come untangled.

'Here, catch!' sighed the Doctor, throwing her his sonic screwdriver. It did the trick, and soon everyone was happily gathered in the Tardis control room. Well, everyone except Jed, who had woken up, taken one look at the impossible inside/outside ratio, and fainted again.

'Well,' said the Doctor, 'I thought it would be nice if we all got together for one big field trip...'

'With Jed?' asked Edwina eagerly.

'And Jesse?' added Lily.

They glanced at Tara, who shook her head.

'I'll come!' offered Andrew (Edwina's brother).

Tara opened her mouth to protest.

Edwina beat her to it. 'Well, that might be bearable...in fact, it might even be fun...'

Tara realized where Edwina was coming from. 'No way!' she said firmly. 'That would be signing my death certificate. I'm too young to die.'

'Aww...' Edwina pouted, but no one missed the spark of mischievousness that remained in her eyes.

* * *

Later that evening, a distinctively male voice could be heard hollering in the Tardis halls.

'EDWINA! WHY IS THERE A SNAKE IN MY BED?"


End file.
